Le Système Elite

By Peter Halstead

Our dear epicures might ignore
The chatrooms filled with bogus lore
Concerning our intuitive design
For pressuring and even pouring wine
               As anything you have to fear
               Is more than likely printed here.
               Note the Model Two is tensioned
               By the pressure aforementioned,
Pumped from argon in its tank
By a proprietary crank
Which may be ordered specially by mail
(Though trolls have claimed: to no avail).
               But failing that approach, the trick
               To proper usage is to stick
               Instinctively the metal fork
               Completely through the subject cork
While remembering to never
Accidentally touch the lever
Which controls the fragile spout
Or noxious gases may come out,
               Rather than a choice selection
               From the cream of your collection,
               Leaving eager guests and oenophiles
               With false, ingratiating smiles,
Backing affectedly away
From your presumptuous buffet:
So much, my supercilious monsieur,
For your day as connoisseur—
               Just abandon any hopes of status
               From our impressive apparatus
               And be sure to type the hidden code
               Lest the Système Grande Deluxe explode.